The Adventures of Fred smith Vol III
by O.T. West
Summary: In the long awaited return of Fred Smith, mayhem ensues What else would you expect if you know Fred as our favorite Starfleet officer goes on vacation. Enjoy, and as always feel free to leave feedback. I would love to hear from you.
1. Chapter 1

The Adventures of Fred Smith. Viva Los... Amerind?

Fred came through the front door of the casino waring a black tuxedo complete with his lucky tabby print bow tie and trademark cheesy grin. Unfortunately he also entered the casino feet first, completely unconscious on a floating gurney, being taken not to the casino floor but to the infirmary specially prepared for Fred's visit. This is after all, truly a full service hotel and casino.

Right now you may be asking yourself such questions as, "What was the means by which Fred was rendered unconscious... this time?" or, "Why was Fred at a casino?" or perhaps, "How can I get myself a lucky tabby print bow tie?" Admittedly, these are all good and totally valid questions, all of which will be answered in due course. But first I should bring everyone up to speed as to what brought Fred here in the first place.

**10 Days Earlier**

Fred had just been suspended for two weeks due to a little known regulation regarding the use of the transporter to make cheese. So Fred, always the one to find the best in every situation, thought he would use the opportunity to take that long overdue vacation.

Fred had two weeks to do what he wanted. He would have used the opportunity to visit Cait again, but there was an issue with the last time he was there. It seems that when his friend Stanley Apollonski from Pollux IV, who had powers equivilavt to that of a mythical Greek god and had been known to impersonate one on a dare, had arranged to for Fred to host the Miss Cait beauty pagent. The problem however, was it seems that there is no such thing as a Mis. Cait beauty compition, and Fred was told never to come back again, ever. So Fred had decided to take in a play.

Talking about plays, here's a fun fact: The play Cats was actually written by a team of Caitian scientists who wanted to observe humans without requiring the use of elaberate disguises (And you thought the actors were in costume on stage. Just goes to show how little you know.) Later some humans had tried dressing up in cat costumes and perform the play, but it just wasn't the same. Cats was currently on tour, making the rounds of the quadrant, and was going to be playing the theater in the I... AM... KIROK! hotel and casino on the planet Amerind, the galaxy's home of the Indian casino.

The next day, Fred had missed his first shuttle to Amerind. Or more to the point, he didn't miss it, he hit it square on. Fred sat in the shuttle port lounge enjoying the lounge act. It was a holographic representation of the rock band Kiss doing You Lost That Loving Feeling. (Wack!) The waitress set a Cation Tongue Tickler on the on the table in front of Fred. (Thwack! Slap!) He sipped cautiously at at his drink sitting back and enjoying the music. (Smack! Wack! Slap!) "There is nothing like the classics." (Thud!)

Two Tellerite Salsa dancers sitting right behind Fred talked. "My dance partners hands were all over me." One of them explained in semaphore, her little flags occasionaly hitting Fred in the back of the head. "Oh the only thing my dance partner was on was my feet, if you know what I mean." The other replied again in semaphore, likewise hitting Fred. They both giggled again amazingly enough in semaphore.

Scooting his chair forward he turned his attention back to the stage. "Man, Gene Simmons has a long tongue." Fred thought to himself as he sipped his drink as the band began Somewhere Under The Rainbow. (Crack!)

Fred was about to move when two bouncers came and asked the two Tellerites to leave. The Tellerites finding this all totally unfair set their flags a flutter. This was looking like it was gonna turn out to be quite a tussle until the lounge Gorn stepped in and ate the Tellerite Salsa dancers. Disappointed and a little disturbed Fred left to Kiss's classic rendition of It's Not Easy Being Green.

Fred walked into the second level runabout bay ready to begin his vacation. As he entered Fred took note of two things, first was a sign that said, "Forgive the mess during our remodel", and the second was a Jefferie's tube access sitting open.

So as to fully grasp what happened next the events that followed can only be discribed in slow motion. Fred, being Fred, stuck his head inside the Jefferie's tube, "Humm, I wonder what's going on in here?" A humanoid in a thick black foam rubber suit bounded in and bounced straight off of Fred sending him hurtling into the Jefferie's tube. Fred tumbled down the Jefferie's tube and landed on, (is that a diving board?), balanced on top of a pile of checked luggage.

Distracted by the commotion, the attache of a high level Betazoid ambassador who will remain unnamed, tripped and dropped the steamer trunk he was carrying. The steamer trunk fell on the raised end of a diving board seesaw forcing the opposite end up rather suddenly, flinging Fred across the room and into a shipping container. The momentum from Fred's flight into the container forces it to to tip on its side, dumping him onto a grav-lift. As the grav-lift approaches the top of the hanger bay, it makes contact with a girder hanging horizontally from the ceiling from a crane. Due to the arrangement of the grav-lift and the girder, Fred was plucked from the grav-lift by the back of his shirt.

Fred dangled from the girder by his shirt collar for several moments as the girder began to rotate faster and faster until his collar finally tore free, sending him spinning off into the checked luggage department. The luggage on the various conveyors leading to all the various departure gates began to topple one after another. A suit case came off the end of a conveyor crashing into the control panel cranking that baby up to high.

The conveyor flew at ninety miles an hour, and Fred astride an oversized duffel rode that conveyor like a bucking bronco. "Yyyyyaaaaaaaaahhh HhhhhhOOOoooooooooo!" (Remember this is in slow motion.) He was finally launched off the end of the conveyr and straight into an automated luggage cart. The luggage cart loses control and hits a wall. The momentum gained from hitting the wall causes Fred to be ejected from the cart straight into the wind screen of the the very runabout which was to take him off to Amerind.

He seemed to stick there just long enough that people began to wonder if he had stuck before sliding off the nose of the shuttle and falling limply to the floor. Fred raised his head feebly, "Curse you Rube Goldberg, you did it to me again." he said before passing out.

The next thing Fred saw was a familior face. "Kadik?"

"Hey Fred, I'm glad to see your conscious." Kadik squeaked horribly as he sat on the edge of the bio bed.

"How long was I out?" Fred asked sitting up.

Kadik ticked off on his fingers. "Two days, five hours and thirty seven minutes."

"Not too bad, considering." Fred thought out loud before he was distracted. "What in the universe are you wearing?"

Kadik stood, squeaking some more. He was covered from head to toe in thick quilted black foam rubber. "It's my Andorian Speedo." He pointed to the Speedo logo imbroidered on the right hip. "Yup the only thing colder than the Andorian atmisphere is an Andorian swimming pool." He snorted as though he had made some inside joke and pushed his glasses up his nose.

"That's cool." Fred laughed at his little pun as he sat up.

Fred said, shuddering at it's resemblance to the Safety Suit and thinking how it was more slimming in black."But why are you wearing it now?"

"Oh, I was on my way to a high diving competition on Amerind." Kadik explained. "It just so happened I got two weeks off. Which reminds me, if you ever get the notion to use the transporter to make cheese, don't."

Fred grinned sheepishly, "I will keep that in mind."

A computerized voice chimed in, "Now boarding... Shuttle 397 to Amerind."

"I hate to run out on you, but I have a ticket for that shuttle," Kadik said retreaving a green plank which was propped up in one corner. "and if I reschedule again, the lady at the ticket counter promises to give me a wedgie I won't soon forget."

"I have one quick question before you go," Fred inquired. "Is that a diving board?"

"Yep." Kadik confirmed. "All the best high divers have their own diving board."

"Hm, I thought as much." Fred said thinking. "Hold on, I'm coming too, let me just put on my tux."

Fred and Kadik will return in:

Welcome To Fabulous Amerind.


	2. Chapter 2

The Adventures of Fred Smith. Welcome To Fabulous Amerind.

The only thing harder than traveling with Fred Smith is traveling with Fred Smith and his good friend Kadik, and this trip was proving to be no exception. It had taken six days for our stalwart travelers to reach our destination, which was about five days longer than normal.

The shuttle was initially delayed by nearly a day from even leaving the hanger bay because Fred no sooner had entered the shuttle than got his head stuck in the seat. (Don't ask how he managed that, you're better off not knowing. Seriously, I know and I wish I didn't. I had nightmares for a week when I found out.) Over the years Fred had grown quite accustomed to spending extended periods of time without any breathable atmosphere to speak of so this was really no big deal. This incident did however answer a question that had been nagging at the back of Kadik's brain for years, "How would Fred look as an Andorian?"

There second attempt had at least allowed them to get the shuttle door closed. It seems that the Andorian foam rubber that comprised Kadik's Speedo reacts violently at 26 degrees Celsius, 45% relative humidity and 101 kpa with a compression with 79% nitrogen and 21% oxygen. All Federation ships including shuttles run their cabin atmosphere at 26 degrees Celsius, 45% relative humidity and 101 kpa with a compression with 78% nitrogen and 21% oxygen.

"Hey I just noticed that the nitrogen level is running a bit high." The co-pilot reported.

"By how much?" The pilot asked.

"One percent." The co-pilot answered tapping the display.

"That's within acceptable tolerances." The pilot shrugged. "Unless there's some Andorian foam rubber on board. At that you would need a whole bunch."

"How much is a bunch?"

"Oh you would have to say... make a full body suit out of the stuff, but whats the chances of that happening?" Both men laughed and went back to there pre-flight check list.

As soon as the shuttle door sealed Kadik's Speedo began to expand exponentially. It continued to inflate until it had filled all the unoccupied space in the shuttle. The end result left all on board having to spend the next thirty six hours in a barometric chamber for fear of suffering the bends and another twelve hours waiting for the engineers to be absolutely certain that it wouldn't happen again.

They had finally achieved flight and even got well into the in-flight movie. It was the third in the movie adaptation of the popular comic book series _The Adventures Of Stupendous Man, Stupendous Man vs. The Mustache That Ate Salt Lake City._ Fred had gotten up from up from his seat and was about to walk to the back in the middle of a big action seen. "Where are you going?" Kadik asked in a loud whisper. "Your going to miss the big finale."

"I have to go to the restroom." Fred answered shifting his weight anxiously from one foot to another. "Besides, I've seen it before, it ends up that no one really cares that it ate Salt Lake City."

Kadik pondered that for a moment pushing his glasses up his nose. "I guess I should have seen that coming." Then he went back to watching the film.

By the time Fred had gotten into the restroom he had hit critical mass. He was definitely regretting having that extra fiber brand muffin for breakfast. As he sat, the overwhelming relief settling in he noticed something that struck him the wrong way. "Octran woman are hot" was scratched in simple block letters into the paint on the wall next to him. "Really!" Fred exclaimed offended by the defacement on the wall. "Octran woman most definitely are NOT hot. There heads are all lumpy and they're always, 'We're so repressed!' When in reality they haven't been at all repressed in a good two hundred years." Then, giving them the benefit of the doubt he said. "Maybe their being repressed retroactively."

Either way something had to be done with that offensive graffiti. After a long moment of pondering what Stupendous Man would do he suddenly realized what Fred Smith would do. He dug frantically in his pocket retrieving a Federation credit chit, the sharpest thing Fred is allowed to handle unsupervised. He started by scratching a simple block letter "C" in front if the Octran (Coctran woman are hot). Next he gave the "O" legs turning it into an "A" (Cactran woman are hot). Thanks again to the block nature of the letters it was a simple matter to alter the "C" to an "I" (Caitran woman are hot). The "T" he left alone and the "R", his final alteration could have been tricky if the vandal had used a capatal "R" but he had been lazy using a lowercase "r" making it easy to transform it into another "I" (Caitian woman are hot).

Fred had two thoughts when he inspected his work. First, no truer words had ever been scratched into a restroom wall. Secondly, it was definitely time for a courtesy flush. "Computer," he ordered, "set the flush controls to maximum."

On the underside of the Hyperflush 3000 commode there is a warning label which states in very tiny print that, "...The Hyperflush 3000 should not be operated with flush controls set to maximum while still seated on the unit. Severe suction entrapment may occur..." They were not exaggerating. By the time the shuttle had made an emergency detour to Utopia Planetia, home of the best engineers in the quadrant, Fred was staring into his own knees.

"Yeah we've seen this this before." The engineer said, head and shoulders deep in an access panel. "I always said that they should have put that warning label in a more visible spot."

"How long do you think this is going to take?" Kadik said back into the access panel.

"Oh not long, maybe fifteen..." A loud bang resonated from the space followed by several expletives by the engineer "... a half an hour. Your friend got himself good and stuck. I must say, he's doing remarkably well considering he's folded in half and sucked almost completely into a sewer pipe."

Kadik stifled a laugh. "Lets just say that Fred is kind of an expert when it comes to situations like this."

The engineer was about to ask for clarification on Kadik's comment when Fred's voice echoed from the pipes saving the engineer from all the horrible details of Fred's life. "Hey, I have a question. Why is there a regulation against making cheese with the transporter?"

The engineer took on a manner of righteous indignation. "That regulation is there on purely moral grounds. You see, no matter what kind of cheese you try to make you end up with American cheese and that is just wrong. What in the galaxy do they mean by 'processed cheese' anyway? In the opinion of all of us engineers we feel that American cheese ranks up there with the the holocaust and pet rocks as the worst ideas of the twentieth century! We couldn't in all good conscious allow such an atrocity.!" The engineer said a little out of breath now from his rant.

After a moment of silence Fred's voice echoed back timidly. "I was just curious."

The engineer turned to Kadik. "I was just trying to find something to make a tie out of that I can wipe mustard off of without leaving a stain." Kadik said defensively. The engineer replied. "I guess that would wor,." then happily went back to extracting Fred from the plumbing. It took the engineer twenty nine minutes to extract Fred from the sewer and two hours for Fred to shower. They were off again once Fred got his tux back from the dry cleaners.

Fred was sitting in his seat eagerly awaiting takeoff when Kadik arrived. "Hey Fred." he said as he sat.

"PBBBBBRRRRRBBBBBBB."

"Did you just let one rip?" Fred asked in surprise.

"No, well yes." Kadik admitted reluctantly. "But not like you think."

Fred poked Kadik several times.

"PPBBBBBRRRRR... PBRRRRPBB... PBRBRBR." (Yes, Fred was having fun with this.)

"So what is it like than?" "PPRB."

"Sometimes air gets trapped in inside my Speedo and when I sit or get poked or something it squeaks out." Kadik explained as if narrating an instructional video.

"PRRRRRB."

"What you're saying then..."

"PRBRB."

"...is that you're..."

"PBBBBRB."

"...a big whoopee cushion?"

"PBBBRBB."

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!" Kadik scolded.

"PBBBRRRBBB."

"Sorry."

Kadik exhaled deeply. "Yup I am a huge whoopee cushion."

"That just leaves me with one question." Fred said. "Why does the air coming out of your suit smell so bad?"

"You would have to ask that." Kadik admitted. "Well I was waiting for you to finish your shower I got hungry, so I went to this great little German place. Than I got hungry for Korean food. After that I decided to top everything with some Mexican, But there was a problem, the food was really hot so I cooled the burn with a big glass of milk."

"Aren't you lactose intolerant?"

Kadik nodded sheepishly. "I have a wicked case of the farts."

"PRRRBBBBT."

"That wasn't me." Fred said defensively.

Kadik began to panic"I know, it's built up enough pressure that its escaping on it's own."

"."

"I know what to do." Fred strode to the replicator and returned with an aroma therapy candle and a match.

"Is that such a good idea?" Kadik asked. "The methane levels are getting pretty high in here.

"Trust me." Fred grinned. "I know exactly what I'm doing." With that he struck the match."

Fred and Kadik will return in:

What Happens On Amerind Stays On Amerind


	3. Chapter 3

The Adventures of Fred Smith. What Happens On Amerind Stays On Amerind.

"2 week vacation  
I am so Andorian...

_Mumble mumble bla bla bla_

...the talk of the pool  
In my Andorian Speedo

how are you supposed to get around

in an Andorian la la - la la - la la la la...

_la la uh_

...no woman can resist a man that looks good in an Andorian Speedo...

_and um_

...give me a towel  
I'm in an Andorian Speedo  
up on the board  
in an Andorian la la - la la - la la la la  
talk of the pool  
Mr. Andorian Speedo  
how do I get around  
in my Andorian la la - la la - la la la la..."

On very rare occasion, when Fred awakens from unconsciousness he has what can only be described as delusional dreams. Crazed visions from his subconsous peeking out one last time before consciousness returns. He was sure he was having one of thesehallucinations right now. Kadik stood with his back to Fred, rocking his eight foot long diving board like a gutar. strumming it as he sang. He had even fabricated a crude strap over his shoulder so that he could dance to his singing. Really this was all to surreal, it had to be a hallucination.

Kadik stopped, noticing Fred was awake. "Hey Fred." He said, slipping the strap off his shoulder, letting the diving board drop to the floor. "This sick bay has everything. Check it out, karaoki."

"Ya I noticed." Fred said less than enthusiastically before changing the subject. "So I'm still a little foggy, what happened this time?"

"Well first of all let me just say that you were right about the aromatherapy candle. Everyone was relaxed and the smell was much improved." Kadik admitted humbly. "But then the smoke from the candle combined with the methane produced from my... unfortunate lunch choices caused the toxic air alarm to sound and the oxygen masks to drop from the overhead compartment."

"Let me guess." Fred said sitting up. "My mask didn't work and I passed out from the toxic gas. Because that's happened before, eleven times."

"No The masks all worked fine. Even if they hadn't the air was only bad enough to to give you an uncontrollable urge to say 'duuuude.'" Kadik said this last part with his eyes half lidded while making a peace sign. "The toxic air sensors also go off for incense smoke. The way I understand it, the guy who calibrates those sensors really hates hippies. Anyway, to make a long story short..." (To late.)

Fred interrupted. "To late." (See I told you.)

Kadik scowled but went on. "You had reached up to to grab the mask but got your hand tangled in the straps. Before ya knew it you had yourself hog tied and dangling from the ceiling."

"And this was enough to render me unconscious?!." Fred said a bit dismayed. "I must be slipping."

Kadik smiled. "Oh no, there's more. I guess the pilot had found his happy place, you know with the aroma therapy, and almost flew straight into an asteroid shower. His quick maneuvers had you going like one of those paddle ball games you humans like so much. By the time we got you to quit bouncing you were out cold."

"That's more like it." Fred laid back satisfied, then sat back up suddenly. "So where are we than?"

"We are at the Mysterious Obelisk shuttle port." Kadik said.

Fred jumped to his feet. "Woo Hoo! We made it. We're on Amerind. Come on Kadik, lets go!"

"Wait a minute Fred, I have one very important question before we go anywhere."

"Ya, what is it?" Fred said eager to get to the play and those beautiful Caitian actresses. He wondered if he could get their autographs, and maybe their private comm numbers. Either way he was sure that this was going to be the best vacation of all time.

Kadik interrupted Fred's musings. "What did you think of my song?"

"WHAT!?"

"You know, the song I was singing when you woke up." Kadik explained. "I know the words need a little work but what do you think?"

"That song has the makings of a number one hit." Fred said enthusiastically.

"Really? Do you mean it?" Kadik was excited.

Fred grinned. "It's perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. Now can we go?"

"Absoluetly."

There was a sign outside the Mysterious Obelisk that serves as the entrance of the casino/resort side of Amerind reading, "One million people given amnesia." Fred thought, "One million and one, take that Kirk." as his head smacked the door frame. He did not get amnesia from this, however, he did start to believe that he was the Indian god of all Caitian woman, a belief he held for the rest of his life. (Whether or not it was always due to the knock on the head he would never say.)

Filled with his new god-like powers and sporting a bump on the head, Fred had almost missed the Caitian imports store on main strip. "Hey Kadik, I'm going in here to see if I can find a little something special for the actresses in the play, you know a token of my appreciation."

"Ya, I know all right, all those hot Caitian actresses." Kadik smirked shaking his head. "Ok I'll be over watching those street performers." He said pointing over his shoulder. "Don't be long."

Two hours later Fred found Kadik still watching the street performers. It was a man juggling increasingly more difficult and dangerous things. He had just finished juggling overloading phasers, and fired up up the running chain saws. "What did you find?" Kadik asked.

"Wind up mice." Fred answered, distracted not by the juggling but by the huge billboard behind the juggler featuring Bombalurina the saucy red furred Caitian from Cats. "They're all the rage on Cait. These are knock offs, but they're pretty good ones. Nothing a struggling actress would be ashamed of." Fred held up a sack full of wind up mice for Kadik to see. He himself had failed to notice the tear in the bottom of the bag, having been preoccupied with the forty foot portrait of a hot Caitian actress. The sudden motion of raising the bag had increased the size of the tear allowing the mice to escape.

The wind up mice, which in all reality were powered by tiny dilithium cristals, took off in little rodent shaped blurs. One ran up each of a Vulcan's pants legs. (Ever seen a Vulcan do the Cancan? Actually, he wasn't half bad.) Three girls screamed thinking the ones they saw were real mice, four men and one person from a hermaphroditic race did likewise. The most of them though ended up under the feet of the juggler, who was now juggling no less than four running chainsaws. Remarkably enough, when the wind up mice tripped the juggler his chainsaws did not go into the crowd. They went into the Cats billboard, cutting the supports and toppling the sign.

Fred was entranced, not by the goings on but but by the forty foot Caitian woman staring back at him. It was amazing the detail one could see in an eye enlarged to the size of a grapefruit. The glimmer, the playfulness, it was almost like she was being drawn to... CRASH!

And here we are, where we found Fred at the beginning of our story, being floated into the I AM KIROK! hotel and casino after being squashed by a billboard for Cats.

Now, they call me 'that guy wearin' that Andorian Speedo

But my real name is Kadik  
_Um-hm-hm-hm_  
I'm goin to the pool

And takin' all their diving medals  
_Um-hm-hm-hm_

Well now, they often call me Andorian Speedo  
'Cause I have my own diving board_  
Umm-hm-hm_

Well now, some may call me Joe  
Some may call me Moe

Just remember my Speedo  
and that I don't never dive from down low...

"AH-HU-HUM!"

"Oh hi Fred. Check this out, holographic crooners." Kadik said pointing to three holograms wearing sequin covered sport coats.

The holograms chimed in. " _Umm-hm-hm."_

"Great." Fred said holding up one finger to stop the crooners from going on. "Computer, end program." The crooners vanished.

Kadik changed the subject suddenly. "You woke up just in time for the diving competition.

"Whoa! Me and water are are not the best of friends." Fred's voice took on a hint of panic.

"Well you're in luck." Kadik puffed out his chest. "Cause I scored you a seat in the VIP box. It's completely glassed in with no direct route to the pool."

Fred shrugged. "That could be alright. I'm in, lets go."

A young woman dressed in the official uniform of the I AM KIROK! hotel and casino staff, buckskin and moccasins greeted him. "Your name please?"

"Fred Smith."

"Welcome Admiral Smith." She said, placing a complementary medicine pouch around his neck. He knew how Kadik scored him the VIP treatment. Admiral indeed. "Would you like to place a wager on the event today?"

Fred dug into his pockets and pulled out the last of his credits not bothering to count it. "Here you go, put this on Kadik."

"Very good sir. "She said professionally. "And in what place would you like him to come in?"

Fred had noticed the others in the room all listening to him now, high rollers he suspected. He also suspected that they had placed their bets elsewhere, but he had faith in his old friend Kadik. "I bet that Kadik steals the show." With that he helped himself to a heaping bowl of custard pudding from the all you can eat buffet and settled in to a very comfy chair to enjoy the proceedings.

All the divers were very good. There were twists and flips and turns, a virtual aerial ballet. Kadik's competition was stiff, but Fred was still confident. It was finally Kadik's turn. He looked confident up there with his chest puffed out and his black Andorian Speedo shining in the lights. He strode to the end of the diving board and bounced strongly into the air.

(Here's a fun fact. Andorian Speedos fall into two categories, the first have special additives to prevent the natural reaction Andorian foam rubber has with clorinated water. The second kind not having this protection bears a label stating in bold print"**FOR FRESH WATER USE ONLY."** I bet you can guess which one Kadik has.)

A black cloud formed instantly over the water where Kadik splashed down, his Speedo turning instantly from a solid to a gas as it came into contact with the clorinated water. Unaware of this, Kadik swam easily to the edge of the pool, climbed out and struck a victory pose just then realizeing that he was answering that age-old question, "What do Andorians wear under their Speedo?"

When Fred and Kadik met up about an hour later the two couldn't have been in more different moods.

Fred walked into the locker room grinning from ear to ear. "Hey Kadik, great dive, I won a ton of credits."

"It doesn't matter." Kadik said patting his official Andorian swim team t-shirt and khaki slacks with a towel. (And you thought he wasn't wearing anything under his Speedo. Shame on you for thinking otherwise.) "They kicked me out of the competition."

Fred sat next to Kadik. "You were without a doubt the best high diver here, and I have the winnings to prove... wait a minute, you were kicked out? We gotta get out of here before they want their credits back."

The next night, Fred and Kadik were on their way to see Cats. With the money Fred won he was not only able to get tickets for the two best seats in the theater but back stage passes and new gifts for the lovely Caitian actresses. He had decided against replacing the wind up mice, opting instead for random shiny things, no moving parts. The play had moved Fred and Kadik to laugh, to cry, and best of all nobody (namely Fred) got hurt. This was truly shaping up to be the best night of Fred's life.

Fred jumped up enthusiastically after the after the play. "Come on Kadik. Let's go backstage."

Kadik stood but was pulled back into his seat. "I think I sat in some gum." He tried to stand again with the same resalt. "I definitely sat in some gum. Why don't you go on ahead and I'll be along when I get myself unstuck."

Fred did not have to be told twice, in fact he was at the backstage door before Kadik finished his sentance. He was shortly thereafter was stationed outside the dressing room by a stage hand with the assurance that he would be able to meet the actors as soon as they had changed out of costume and into their street clothes. He would have to remember that actresses aparently didn't like having a any distinction between them and their male counterparts, actors it is. He could respect that, they were more talented than any man. Either way they were still some of the hottest woman Fred had ever seen.

Finally the dressing room door opened and instantly the backstage was filled with the smells of cigar smoke, musky calone and beer, which was the last smells he ever expected to come from a ladies dressing room. And even though the classic sounds of Metallica's You Light Up My Life boomed out of the doorway the belching competition mingled in with it was just wrong.

"They must have unwanted guests." Fred reasoned as he prepared to defend the honor of the beautiful Caitian ladies trapped inside with those brutes. Fred stormed into the dressing room filled with righteous rage but what he saw stopped him dead in his tracks. A number of Caitian men sat around a table playing poker while several others were betting amongst themselves on a horse race showing on a moniter on an adjacent wall. There were others engaged in various other activities, lifting weights, standing in front of the fridge with the door open drinking directly from a milk carton, another leaving what Fred presumed was the bathroom with a PADD tucked under one arm and struggling with his zipper. All this without a single Caitian lady in sight.

Fred was just convincing himself that he got the wrong dressing room when one of the guys retrieved two bottles from the replicator and held one out to Fred. "You want a Romulan Ale?" He said in a notably husky voice. This Caitian guy looked familuar to Fred. Of course, he was one of the actors, but out of makeup he couldn't tell which one for sure. Growltiger? No that's not it, maybe MaCavity, he didn't think so.

Kadik showed up at Fred's shoulder and voiced the one thing that Fred himself didn't want to think. "So that's what the poster meant when it said, 'An all tom cast.'"

The random shiny things fell from Fred's hands as those words sank in. He turned and left without a word closely followed by Kadik. Outside the theater Kadik spoke. "Don't worry buddy, it'll happen for you."

Fred shrugged. "I hope so." They walked on for a minute. "I think I'm ready to go home."

Kadik pushed his glasses up his nose. "How much time do we have before we have to be back?"

"Two days." Fred answered.

Kadik stopped suddenly. "Do you think we'll make it back in time?"

Fred snorted. "Knowing us, I doubt it."

You may still be asking how Fred got his lucky tabby-print bow tie. That is a completely different story.

The End


End file.
